Mr. Ruffino believes I must give up my heart's desire or I will once again feel reason to wallow in my own self pity and wade through the depths of sorrow. Heh. Although, I don't really know if you could call it my heart's desire. I realize that there's no way in hell anything could ever come to pass. Therefore, I brush it off as infatuation. I'll get over it, don't I always? Anyway, it makes me happy, and that's all that really matters at this point. And if it ever becomes more than a simple obsession, well than I suppose I'm fucked. But whatever, we'll deal with it when we get there. Which hopefully we'll never have to worry about. Anyway, I'm dumb as hell.

Aria of Sorrow and Harmony of Dissonance are finally here <3 <3 <3 homework? Yeah, RIIIGHT. Like that's gonna get done.

things to keep in mind while at school
++ don't keep my bag on the chair next to me. because when a giant sized person walks in late they're gonna plop their fat ass in front of me which of course would render me incapable of seeing the board. i'd prefer it if they sat NEXT to me.
++ stop sitting in the back. we all realize you're antisocial and a complete loser. but you're blind as hell jen. so why the HELL do you think you can read from the back of the room?
++ econ teacher has the cutest fucking dress in the world.
++ punch the redhead chick in your english class if she doesn't learn to stop opening her mouth. nothing she says is useful.
++ learn to become a big enough loser to think your poli sci's teacher's jokes are funny. the nerd next to you laughed.
++ don't skip chem on your first day of school.

HW:

++ econ shit: find three articles about microecon. write shit.
++ poli sci: read 100 pages of that book. take notes. possible open note quiz?

I left Mister the other day... did I ever mention that? I was in an amazingly good mood as usual and I called him. Did you know that he never fails to make me cry? Heh. So I told him I'm done. Kind of sucks doesn't it. I was like depressed as hell over it... But I guess I should've known this would happen. Everything's been pretty bad for a while. I just figure I'm gonna do whatever makes me happy, and currently that would be music, clothes, cards and the few friends I've managed to keep.

Just watch, I'm gonna go crawling back to him in no time at all and I'll be in a shitload of trouble because my "slut ass" decided to talk to Chad. And I'm not allowed to talk to any of his friends.

new band ----> d'espairs ray

New for me, although probably not for everyone else.

REALLY want to grow my hair long so I can do lots of random crap to it. I love clothes. I've become obsessed. Which is like a good thing, cuz that always motivates me to eat less and exercise more. Like, I bought a pair of really cute pants that were too small but I wanted to wear them soo much that I lost the weight in like a month. Yeah I know, dumb reasons to lose weight. But hey, it works for me.

Anyway, I love loligoth.

I'm gonna make all the cutest fucking things in the entire world and everyone will be jealous ^.^

But first, I hafta make a card for Jon cuz he's the shit. And a card for Chad cuz he's pretty cool. And probably one for Mar cuz he thinks spending moneys dumb and making pretty cards is super easy.

When I'm upset, I like to shop. When I'm happy I like to shop. When I'm bored, I like to shop. Unfortunately, everything I want on this site, I can't afford.

it's like fucking heaven

[link]


The most beautiful thing I've ever seen and haven't been able to afford.


[link]

[link]


I mean, I suppose I could attempt to create something that even slightly resembles it, but it won't be the same. And that makes me sad.

It's on sale right now for $120. Shipping is like 40 bucks.

I wish I was anorexically skinny so that nothing could ever make me look fat. And if I ever bought that dress I'd become anorexic just so I could look totally hawt wearing that.

Shit. I think I'm gonna orgasm from looking at the stuff on that site.

I'm not even sure how to start.
I feel so completely...
I cried.
It's strange.
I didn't cry cuz I was sad.
But because everything seems right.
Because this is the way it's supposed to be.
I'm not supposed to hurt.
I'm not supposed to be the reason that others hurt.

I thank Jon for that.
I thank Chad for that.
And I thank Mar for being there for me all those times in the past. Even though it's been ages since we've talked... even though I'm feeling thankful years too late...

And even though people think that me and Ryan are all wrong. He's still done so much for me. He still means so much to me. Chaddums thinks that I'm in denial when I say Ryan still cares... but it's hard to let go.

Honestly? I'd gone back to feeling how I used to. Yesterday was horrible for me. Everything's just kind of sucked.

But I've never felt so thankful for people. For Jon, for Chad... even for Phil. I guess I just need the constant reassurance that I have friends. Friends who care, who don't mind taking time out of their day to be there for me. To talk to me, to listen to me, even just to sit with me in silence.

I don't know what I'd do without them.



------------------------------------------------------
hehe, this is what makes me
feel like im more
than just words on a screen
and likewise, when i read your words,
they arent just words
they're you

you dont want to live life like your
walking on egg shells, never taking
full steps for yourself. always worried
about everyone and everything's feelings

<3 jon <3

It's hard to not hold on. I mean, a part of me keeps thinking everything will be okay. Even though time and time again, Mister's told me it won't be. Once again I've hurt someone who I care about. And I'm losing him.

He's so obviously not interested. And it hurts. I didn't think it'd be this hard. And the worst part is that I know I've hurt him worse than I feel now. I've hurt someone else worse than I hurt now. I wish I could fix all of it. All the times I made Mister upset. But I can't do anything now. I'm trying! But nothing works. And it fucking sucks.

Mister's hurting me and he doesn't even care.

And the thing is though, Mister would see it as betrayal that I've been thinking about mbbh... But it's not like that. I think I'm finally starting to understand a little bit of what it was like when I hurt everyone else. I think that's partially why I've been thinking about mbbh. Because he's one of the people I hurt most. And I hate it so much.

It just sucks.
I'm not used to Mister not caring.
I'm not used to Mister hating me.

But as Chaplin would say,
"Tomorrow the birds will sing."
So chin up Jen.
And stop being a fucking faggot.



-------------------------------------------------------------------
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved